Buddies
by Thecreativeone111
Summary: Snape is being pressured by Dumbledore to help with house unity. He’s also running out of ways to punish the golden trio. That’s until he decides to kill two birds with one stone and make Harry Potter and Pansy Parkinson buddies. AU *UPDATED*
1. Leg of ham and an angry cho

Buddies

Buddies

Snape is being pressured by Dumbledore to help with house unity. He's also running out of ways to punish the golden trio. That's until he decides to kill two birds with one stone and make Harry Potter and Pansy Parkinson buddies. (AU)

Disclaimer: The characters are based on J.K Rowlings. The magical world belongs to her and her publishers. Also a similar scene from the series Coupling was used. This is just fan fiction.

It was the first month of Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts. Everything was going perfect. He had his dream girl Cho chang, his friends and had just been voted in as Griffindors new quiditch captain. Everything seemed perfect until.

'POTTER' Snape screamed

Yes, Harry was in Potions with the slytherins. He was cutting some toads skin when Malfoy levitated Harry's cauldron spilling it's contents all over the new desk and all over Hermione's new potions manual. Hermione dashed for her book and ran too the sink before the book's leather covering began to stain. Not noticing that the floor was covered in muck, leading her to slip up and break her nose. That's when Snape came in.

'Can't you do anything right? I was away for five minutes and you already were able to stain my new tables, destroy Grangers manual and leave Granger looking like something that just crawled out of the forbidden forest.'

At this the Slytherins began to snicker, Harry turned his attention to Hermione whose nose was bleeding, and who's curly hair had stained green. Ron was helping her from a distance fearing getting stained himself. Harry then looked back at Snape.

'Potter detentions at 5 pm now take Granger to the nurse' Snape said annoyed before he continued 'Longbottom clean up the mess'.

Neville asked hesitantly 'Why Sir I never did anything wrong?'

Snape stopped walking and rotated 180 on the spot. 'Longbottom were you referring to me when you said that stupid statement?'

Neville swallowed 'No Sir, are the sponges in the same place?'

Snape nodded and Neville defeated walked to the cupboard.

Harry and Hermione by this time were well on there way to the infirmary. They so far walked in absolute silence Hermione silently fuming.

'Hermione you okay?' Harry asked cautiously.

Hermione stopped walking.

'Harry do I look okay to you? Because to me I look like a crack addict who's just slept in cow shit'

'I'm sorry Hermione but you have to understand it's not my fault, it was Malfoy's'

Hermione regaining her clarity and logic decided to apologies in her own way.

'Okay I forgive you, but I'm still allowed to be mad this is my brand new book.'

'I know Hermione I'll get you another one'

'You don't need to I'll just borrow Neville's not like he is going to pass the unit anyway'

'Hermione' Harry asked shocked at how mean Hermione could be.

'Oh what it's true'

'So you didn't have to be so mean, I've never seen this side of you and you're usually very protective of Neville' Harry said.

'Well I usually don't have potion in my hair, a broken nose and have my boyfriend dump me for some tart in Barbados' Hermione yelled.

'Krum dumped you?'

'Sure did to go grinding in the tropics'

'Hermione you're too good for him. Look at you, your intelligent, and sophisticated and…' Harry said before he was cut off by Hermione.

'And a Prude'

'What?' Harry asked in disbelief.

'Yep that's why I was dumped because I have morals and standards'

'Hermione that's a good thing…'

'Yeah but it's not going to help he keep a man, I just wish I wasn't so uptight, I wish I was popular, I wish I was Pansy Parkinson'

'Parkinson? Why would you want to be her? She's a complete moron and a total psycho bitch. Did you not see what she did to that 5th year girl she bitch slapped her through a window'

'I know Harry but she's so confident and approachable and she doesn't have a care in the world'

'Hermione she doesn't have a care in the world because she doesn't have a brain' Harry retorted.

That's when they reached the infirmary and Miss Pomfrey ran to Hermione.

'Dear me what happened?'

Hermione began to talk nasally 'I slipped on some crument potion and broke my nose'

'Oh dear' Miss Pomfrey muttered 'don't worry dear we'd get you all fixed up'

Hermione stared at Miss Pomfrey 'Could you make me look like ...'

Miss Pomfrey turned around to look at Harry. Harry came closer and whispered in Pomfrey's ear 'I think the fumes have affected her'.

Miss Pomfrey nodded in understanding and in a loud voice reserved for foreigners and those with hearing difficulties said 'Okay Miss Granger you'll look just like Rihanna if you sip this potion here'

Hermione eagerly snatched the bottle and drank. Only to pass out and let Miss Pomfrey fix her nose.

Harry smiled and went back to the Gryffindor common room where the other students would be after a grueling potions hour.

When Harry returned to the common room he was surrounded by concerned and inquisitive faces. 'So is Hermione okay' asked Ron.

'I heard her nose was bitten off, is it true?' asked Seamus.

'I saw it, she looked just like the one who cannot be named' added Dean.

A chorus or ohhhh and awww could be heard.

'Dean you weren't even there' said Harry.

'Oh my bad' Dean said with an apologetic smile.

The crowd after finding out that nothing horrific happened to Hermione got bored and decided to return to there normal activities.

'Do you know when she'll be out?' Asked Ron

'Not sure' Said Harry 'Maybe dinner'

'Okay aren't you supposed to be going?' inquired Ron

'Oh no detention with Snape' muttered Harry before running towards the dungeons.

Harry had just made it when Snape unlocked the classroom accompanied by Pansy.

'Mr Potter glad you made it 12 seconds and 34 microseconds late, congratulations' Snape then smiled 'You lost your house 20 points'

Harry knowing Snape did not argue but ignored Snapes bias and focused on Pansy. Pansy had changed a lot since first year. No longer pug-nosed and repulsive she grew tall and began modeling, her face developed cheekbones and her nose was perfectly straight. Hermione assumes she had work done until Daphne let slip in the corridors that the glamour charm her father gave her had worn off.

'I think Potter was late sir because he was shagging Millicent in the broom cupboard' Said Pansy.

'Parkinson not even I believe that, now both of you get inside I have something to tell you two' Snape snapped.

'Okay, you won't be having detention today' Snape began

'Why sir?' asked Harry confused.

'10 points of Gryffindor' Snape replied automatically.

'The reason I brought you two here today is because I have to introduce new measures to try and get unity forming between the houses. This is the test trial and you Potter and You miss Parkinson are the first in it'

'I love being, first it's like you're a pioneer exploring the unknown…'

'I'm glad your so enthusiastic Pansy but please stop'

Pansy shut up and waited for Snape to continue.

'I'm going to make you two buddies, therefore you'll have to work together in every class and spend time in each other common rooms. The only time you'd have separately are toilet breaks and sleep. You will how ever have to dine together. I'll let you negotiate the minor details.'

'But sir' chorused Harry and Pansy.

Snape help up his hand. 'Potter you don't do this I'll ban you from quiditch, Parkinson you don't do this I'll ban all magazines, including which weekly'

'Okay' both chorused again.

'Now get the hell out of my classroom' Snape yelled.

Pansy and Harry excited the classroom into the dungeons corridors.

Before they turned and faced each other. Harry spoke first

'Dinner is going to start in a few minutes, and I'm not dining with Malfoy'

'Neither am I' Pansy retorted 'I hear Daphne that bitch talk about her new gucci nose ring one more time I'm going to river dance on her ass.'

'So it's settled' said Harry.

Harry looked at Pansy and silently prayed that'd he'd be able to survive this with his sanity.

Harry made his way to dinner alone, Pansy decided to go upstairs and grab her coat. For what reason Harry didn't know it was still warm since summer had lasted longer. Harry made his way to the table spotting a straight haired Hermione.

'Hermione you got out and straightened your hair. Miss Dursley said there's nothing a hair style couldn't fix, though she said the same about chocolate declares.'

'Harry, I didn't want this, I loved my kinky hair made me look exotic like like a' statered Hermione.

'Like a person from Barbados…' countered Harry.

'Yeah how did you know?' Hermione smiled.

'I dono I'm perceptive' Harry finished

'He's also very smart, brave and the Hero of wizardry London' continued Cho.

'I wouldn't be anything with out my muffin' Harry replied with a sickly sweet tone and began to kiss Cho.

Hermione looked at Ginny and Ron and pretended to gag.

After a few minutes of kissing. Harry broke away and turned to his table of friends.

'Guys I have to tell you something, I have a new buddy as punishment who has to follow me around everywhere except the sleeping quarters and the toilets, they are a slytherin as well.'

'Oh great first the nose now this' yelled Hermione dropping her fork on her plate.

'Who is it?' asked Ginny.

'It's Pansy' Said Harry

Just that moment Daphnee Greengrass could be heard emitting a high pitched scream.

The whole of Hogwarts except the absent professors looked at the entrance. There was Pansy in a purple mink coat. Her coat people assumed until she began her speech.

'Oh my' Began Pansy in a loud fake voice 'doesn't my mink coat look beautiful? Daddy gave it to me as a present after he confiscated it of a death eater by the name of Greengrass'

Harry turned towards the Slytherin table to notice Daphne in a practical fit.

Pansy continued 'But it looks better on me since I can work it'

Daphne by this time managed to escape Goyle's hold and yelled 'You bitch' before running out of the hall in tears. Pansy watched and as soon as Daphne's feet could not be heard anymore she took the coat of and walked towards the Gryffindor table.

The hall then began to whisper about what just occurred. Harry and the rest of the Gryffindor still remained in a state of shock.

'So Potter where's my seat?' Pansy said as she pored herself a glass or red cordial.

Ginny trying to get rid of Pansy said 'Sorry there's no room here for you'

Pansy walked up to Ginny with the whole tables eyes following her

'What a lovely white skirt' Began Pansy before she spilled cordial on it.

'OMG Parkinson' yelled Ginny

'It's not my fault you shouldn't wear white skirts that time of the month' Pansy replied

'I swear Parkinson you Psycho your dead' Ginny yelled as she began approaching Pansy.

'OMG YOU GOT YOUR PERIOD GINNY AND YOUR WEARING A WHITE SKIRT' projected Pansy as the whole Hall turned to look at Ginny.

'Here take the coat and get changed, people trying to eat here' said Pansy

A red faced Ginny grabbed the mink coat and began running to the Gryffindor tower.

Pansy took Ginny's place. Hermione skulled her pumpkin juice. Ron looked at her with admiration and Harry with a face someone would pull if they just saw Snape in dancing in his underwear. While Cho looked on with disgust and was planning to do something about it.

'I think it's stupid how people kill animals for fur, I love animals that's why I'm a vegetarian. Killing animals for meat and for fur is stupid.' Cho stated as if her opinion mattered.

Ron rolled his eyes. Whilst Hermione tried curling her hair with a knife and Harry looked down at his steak thinking if Cho would dump him if he took one more bite. Pansy continued eating, until out of no where she stood up and everyone eyes followed her as she moved to the end of the table where the leg of ham was held. Suddenly out of n owhere she stabbed the leg of ham and made an oinking sound 'oink'. Then she continued 'oink,oink'. She got out the knife and cut herself a piece 'oink mumma oink' and chucked it onto her dinner plate. Everyone was watching in particularly Cho in amazement. Pansy sat down and said

'If you love animals Cho your going to love ham' and began to chew.


	2. revelations

It had been 7 minutes since Pansy's theatrical performance with the leg of ham when Pansy decided to stop eating and observe h

Disclaimer: The characters are based on J.K Rowlings. The magical world belongs to her and her publishers. Also a similar scene from the series Coupling was used. This is just fan fiction.

Author's notes: Hi it's me. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I'm so glad that you all enjoyed my work. Thanks a lot again and I hope to read more reviews from you all to see if I'm going down the right path. Well here's the chapter, hope you enjoy.

--

It had been 7 minutes since Pansy's theatrical performance with the leg of ham when Pansy decided to stop eating and observe her surroundings. Hermione Granger was drinking large amounts of carrot juice, for what reason Pansy wasn't sure, she then looked at the girl next to her Cho Chang. Yes, Cho Chang was your typical exotic witch, with long sleek black hair and skin that made it look like she lived on an island and ate fruit all day just like in the muggle hair commercials. Pansy didn't know much about Cho's personality, but she didn't need to. Anyone who was a vegetarian was guaranteed to be a stuck up bitch in Pansy's book. Maybe she's easy Pansy thought maybe that's why Potter was with her. Pansy then continued looking down the table at Harry, he had changed a lot since first year stacked on the muscle and styled his hair these days. He was no Draco Malfoy or Blaise Zabani but if she squinted hard enough he could be attractive. That's when she felt the burn of a glare to her left. She moved her head and there was Ron Weasley staring at her with a big goofy grin. Pansy did a nervous smile and turned away hoping he would stop staring. No such luck however. So Pansy turned around and faced Ron. Ron finally noticing that he was staring apologized the best way he knew how.

'Sorry, it's just its weird having a sytherine dine with us' Ron said shyly 'Promise I wont bite'

Pansy then replied 'Good then I wont break your neck' in a sickly sweet tone and smiled.

Ron felt demoralized. He was fascinated by Pansy for a while now, just the way she exuded all that confidence and walked as if she hadn't a care in the world. Seamus often thought Ron bonkers for even thinking about the spoilt slytherin, but Ron didn't care there was just something so hypnotic about that girl. Pansy completely oblivious to Ron's inner turmoil was bored. So she decided to skip over to the slytherin table and talk to her 'friendly associates' as she liked to call them.

'Hey there Draky poo' Pansy said in a singsong voice.

'I thought we got rid of you Parkinson' Draco said in a passive aggressive sort of tone.

'I might not of dined with you at dinner, but I'll definitely be sitting here with Potter tomorrow morning, right next to you, I can just picture all the mudblood germs he's been exposed to crawling all over our table.'

'Parkinson I forbid you from bringing Potter here' Draco said as the leader of the slytherins in a state of shock.

'Dracy the only thing I'm forbidden from is dairy' Pansy said as she messed up Draco's hair and skipped back to the Gryffindor table.

Pansy made her way to Harry as he was making out with Cho.

'Potter it's time for my prefect duties' Pansy said expecting Harry to understand.

'So? What does that have to do with me?' Harry retorted.

'Well Potter you're my Buddy where I go you go'

Pansy and Harry made there way to the greenhouses. Where Pansy had detention.

'You said it was Prefect duties? Not a detention Parkinson'

'Well, Potter I am a prefect I got detention therefore to complete the detention is my duty, so therefore they're prefect dutys' Pansy smiled

'Your so insufferable and what you did to my girlfriend at dinner was just plain mean, you know she likes animals'

'Well so do I' Pansy countered 'Except I like eating them like normal people'

'What! Cho is perfectly normal and she's the prettiest girl in the school'

Pansy stopped digging out Copper root and stared at Harry in amazement.

'You think Cho is the prettiest girl in the school? Oh my sweet merlins, Potter are you delusional?'

'What Cho is pretty?'

'Yeah I'm not saying she isn't, she just aint the prettiest damn Potter praising your girlfriend a bit to much' Pansy said rolling her eyes.

'Well to me she is'

'Potter , puhlease Ginny weasley looked good to you'

'Stop disrespecting my friend' Harry yelled.

'Whatever, I'm way better looking that Cho 'Miss poor me' Chang' Pansy said under her breathe.

'Parkinson your funny' Harry said thinking Pansy was joking.

'What Potter you disagree?' Pansy asked angrily.

'I thought you were joking Pansy lets face it your not in Cho's league'

Pansy stoped digging all together, shovel still in hand and pointed threatenly at Harry.

'And why not? I got a good figure, I have a pretty face'

'You just don't have that something that cho has'

'You mean a shitty personality and more notches on my bedpost than Draco Malfoy' Pansy said angrily.

'What Cho's still a virgin' Harry said defensively.

'OMG OMG so you and Cho never did it and she's did it with…OMG this is too good' Pansy said ecstatically.

'What are you talking about Parkinson? Cho said she's still a virgin and was saving herself for her wedding day'

Pansy rolled on the floor laughing.

'Potter please don't tell me you're this naive? She was with Blaise Zabani like a month ago when school first started'

'But But she was dating me' Said Harry sadly and starting to believe what Pansy was telling him.

'Potter trust me I saw them in the dungeons getting there freak on, well Zabani got his freak on she just laid there' Pansy said reminiscing.

Harry stood up and walked back to the castle he was going to get to the bottom of it.

'Hey Potter you haven't finished your side' Pansy yelled at him 'Ungrateful prat'

Harry had looked everywhere for Cho at her common room, in the great hall everywhere. That's until he decided to look in the dungeons. If what Pansy said was true Harry wouldn't know what to do with himself. As Harry searched the dungeons and every room was empty. He gained hope and felt that Pansy was just starting trouble for her own warped pleasure. That's until he heard.

'Blaise stop someone will see us'

Harry's ears perked up. It was Cho and she was with Zabani just as Pansy claimed. Harry turned to corridor corner to see Cho being kissed on the neck by none other then Zabani.

'What scared Potter will see you?' Zabani said some what jealously.

'Don't be like that Blaise, I never even done anything with him' Cho countered with her eyes closed.

'WELL THANK MERLIN FOR THAT' Harry yelled startling the pair.

'Harry' 'Potter' Blaise and Cho said in unison.

'It's not what it looks like Blaise was just adjusting my spine against the wall'

'Oh please Cho I'm not stupid'

'Could have fooled me' said Blaise under his breath.

Harry looked at Cho sadly and said 'It's over' before he left back to Griffindor tower.

Blaise and Cho looked at each other, and continued.

As Harry was making his way back to the tower he came into contact with Pansy.

'Well Potter thanks for that, it's past my bedtime and I'll be a cranky bitch in the morning thanks to you'

Harry ignored her. Pansy looked at Harry weirdly and continued to the dungeons.

'Moody Griffindors'


	3. Get up, or the fat lady gets it

It was the morning after Harry walked in on Cho and Blaise and he was unwilling to go down to the great hall for breakfast

Disclaimer: The characters are based on J.K Rowlings. The magical world belongs to her and her publishers. Also a similar scene from the series Coupling was used. This is just fan fiction.

Authors note: Okay this might be one of my weaker chapters, so far. I hope you guys can still enjoy it. Please review it's what made me update so soon. Thanks to all my reviewers thus far, you've all been great. Hopefully this chapter doesn't disappoint. Here's a few shout outs.

Shadow high angel: Thanx, I love bitchy Pansy too.

Stephie ross: Thanx I'm glad you like my story I'll try and update as much as possible.

krita: Thanx haters keep me motivated.

Dougal74: This chapters a bit longer for ya, but I can't write long chapters I get kind of bored lol.

--

It was the morning after Harry walked in on Cho and Blaise and he was unwilling to go down to the great hall for breakfast.

'Harry please, you got to go down you can't keep avoiding them for ever' Ron said frustrated with his friends lack of movement. 'Besides you know Hermione is going to kill me if you don't make it, remember it's Saturday and you promised her you'd go with her to get her curlers in Hogsmead'

'Ron please I can't see her and him' Said Harry eyes all red from a night of silent crying.

Neville at that moment ran in the room puffed out.

'What is it Neville' Ron asked bored.

'Bitch…outside…Harry…come out…or….fat lady gets…cut up.' Neville said between breathes. Ron thankfully after many years of living with Neville knew what he meant.

'Harry did you hear Neville? The pretty slytherin girls outside writing for you' Ron said like a mother trying to encourage her kids to eat broccoli.

'Ron, please don't tell me you have a thing for her, you always have a thing for crazies'

'Excuse me Harry I dated Hermione and she's perfectly normal' Ron said in his defence.

'Mate, your ex got herself a fake tan and is making me get her curlers so she looks like a Barbados chick, she isn't a good example'

'So she's a bit excentric' Ron said.

'Ron, Pansy isn't your type believe me she is a stubborn, psychotic, carnivorous and an A grade bitch'

Neville at this comment nodded his head, before exciting the room.

'Come on mate, the Zabani fella is going to think he won, your not gonna let some slytherin shut you down like that' Ron said hoping to appeal to Harry's pride.

But Harry was having none of it. That's until he heard the screaming in the common room.

'Move it Longbottom' Pansy yelled as she stormed into the boys dorm. Pansy was ready for her trip dressed in muggle clothes, that were overly tight. She looked around the room when her eyes rest on Harry.

'Okay Potter get up' Pansy yelled.

'No get lost Parkinson' Harry said covering his head with his sheets.

'Potter I know you know about Blaise and the vegetarian cow and I feel bad for you I really do, but your ass better get up because I'm late for breakfast, and if I miss breakfast im cranky and if Im cranky I cant enjoy Hogsmead, and I need this break' Pansy said seething.

'I don't care' Said Harry in a muffled tone under the quilt.

Pansy snapped and pulled of his covers revealing Harry in boxers. 'Look Potter' Pansy said as she was searching his closet for clothes. 'Your ass is getting up if you like it or not and your going to look at the minger and act like your over her' Pansy then picked out a black muggle t-shirt Harry rarely wore and trousers. Pansy then forced Harry into the shirt and put Harry into the trousers dressing him. She then pulled him by the hand out of his bed, and out of the dorm.

As Harry excited the dorm in front of a bewildered Ron into the common room a few weird looks were given at the mismatched couple. Pansy lifted up her middle finger. As she pulled Harry out of the portal.

'This isn't the way to the hall.' Harry said tired.

'No it isn't,' she then open the prefect's bathroom door 'Wet your hair'

'What?' Harry asked confused.

'Potter, I'm not going to go to Hogsmead with you looking like that I know people'

Harry began to protest before pansy grabbed his head and put it under the tap.

'Ahhh Parkinson its cold' Harry yelped, from the sudden shock of cold water.

'Why? Water to cold for Princess Harriett'

Pansy then turned of the water and looked at Harry. He was finally awake and had a mad look on his face. Pansy ignored him and focused on the task at hand. She took out her wand and began muttering a spell. Minutes later Harry's hair had become lighter and clean cut.

'There, much better' Pansy said more to herself then to Harry.

Harry turned to the mirror and noticed his once unruly hair was short again and very clean cut and gelled, with a few blonde streaks in it.

'Okay, let's get to the hall before breakfast finishes' Pansy said and yet again dragged Harry out of the room.

Minutes later they were walking side by side in the hall.

'Cant believe I was so stupid' Harry said.

'Don't worry Potter we cant all be slytherins' Pansy replied automatically.

'I mean I really liked her' Harry continued ignoring Pansy's previous comment.

'Oh please Potter, no you didn't' Pansy replied.

'Yes, I did '

'No you only liked her because of how she looked'

'That's not true; we had plenty of similarities'

'Like…' said Pansy daring him on.

'Welll' Harry began nothing coming to mind.

'Potter, you had nothing in common, just let it go already or you'll turn out as pathetic as Snape who still has a crush on your mother'

'What?' Harry asked

'Oh look the great hall' Pansy said as she dragged Harry along.

The two burst through the doors and made they're way to the slytherin table where Blaise, Draco and Milicent were seated.

'Hello my lovely classmates, how are things?' Pansy asked them knowing she gives Draco a headache.

'What's he doing here' Draco said motioning to Harry, who at the moment felt completely out of place.

'Well yesterday I told you he was sitting with us, and here he is' Pansy said happily. 'Take a seat Potter'

Harry sat down. 'So Potter you already met Blaise.' Pansy said trying to incite a reaction. Harry just stared at Blaise trying to burn a hole through the boy. That's when Cho Chang made her way to the table. She lent over and kissed Blaise on the cheek. Blaise knowing full well Harry would explode decided to introduce his new girlfriend.

'Everyone this is Cho , she's my girlfriend and she's a ….' Blaise began when he was cut off by Pansy.

'A vegetarian slut' Pansy finished.

Harry tried not to laugh.

'Freak' Millicent said as she continued to chow down on her sausages, angered by Cho's vegetarianism.

Pansy decided to eat, placing a few sausages on her plate and some eggs. Harry wondered how Pansy remained so thin when she ate normally. Harry then grabbed himself a bagel and began to put cream cheese on it. The group continued to eat in silence for the next 10 minutes when Dumbledore announced that breakfast was over. Pansy stood up with Harry. 'Well I'm off to wait for the Hogsmead carriages' Pansy said feeling the need to tell the group about her every movement.

'Good ridance' Said Draco.

'Can you wait for us?' Said Blaise

'Umm why?' Pansy asked.

'Were going too' said Cho.

'Well I have to go with Potter and I think it'll be a bit crowded' Said Pansy wanting to ignore the two, so she could have a peacefully ride to Hogsmead.

'Nonsense, it's only four people'

Pansy stood without any legitimate excuse coming to mind. She looked at Harry who looked even more sullen. That's when the light bulb went off.

'Well Pot…Harry and I wanted some alone time together' Pansy said. Harry suddenly became alert again.

'We do?' Harry asked confused.

'Yeah' said Pansy rubbing Harry's hand.

'Are you a couple or something?' asked Cho giving them a skeptical look.

'Nah what gave you that idea?' Pansy said. 'Any way as I said Harry and I are gonna go together, you two have to catch your own carriage.'

'What was that about?' Harry asked

'Well nothing else came to mind' Pansy said trying to defend her descision.

'I promised Hermione I'll get her curlers' Harry said

'Fine then Potter' Pansy said not minding she was going by herself. That's until Theodore Nott rubbed against her.

'Parkinson, may I escort you to Hogsmead' Nott said. At the same time pushing the boundaries of personnel space.

'Actually' Pansy began when Harry interrupted. 'I'm taking her Nott'

Nott looked at Pansy, before taking a wiff of her hair and walking off, giving Pansy the creeps.

'Well I guess I'm going with you after all' Said Harry

'You didn't have too' Pansy said. Though deep inside she was glad Harry had saved her from Notts Company.

'I'll just go tell Hermione' said Harry.

'Whatever' replied Pansy grateful inside .


	4. Revenge vs self potty part 1

Disclaimer: The characters are based on J.K Rowlings. The magical world belongs to her and her publishers. Also a similar scene from the series Coupling was used. This is just fan fiction.

Author's note: okay guys it's been a while, so I decided to update lol, hope you all haven't lost interest. Also please, please review. Anonymous reviews have been allowed.

Btw: I'm sorry if this story has offended any fans because of language, characterization etcetera.

Recap: Nott looked at Pansy, before taking a whiff of her hair and walking off, giving Pansy the creeps.

'Well I guess I'm going with you after all' said Harry

'You didn't have too' Pansy said. Though deep inside she was glad Harry had saved her from Notts Company.

'I'll just go tell Hermione' said Harry.

'Whatever' replied Pansy grateful inside.

When Pansy and Harry first arrived to Hogsmead, Harry dragged Pansy to the Weasley twins joke shop.

'Potter, why do we have to come here, you know the only joke in that shop are the owners' Pansy wined.

'Parkinson they're family friends and I want to support them' Harry tried to explain.

'Whatever Potter as long as I don't come out smelling of Weasley I think I'd be able to manage'

Harry and Pansy entered the shop; Pansy looked around for a second before rolling her eyes, and then made her way towards a display of rubber balls. Harry headed straight towards the counter.

'Hey boys how's business' said Harry.

'Harry' the twins chimed. 'Mate it's been so long' said Fred as he shaked Harry's hand.

'Yeah, it's not such a good week this week, broke up with Cho' Harry said sadly.

'Oh well doesn't seem like u had trouble finding a replacement' said George looking at Pansy.

'It's not like that George' Harry tried to explain. 'It's a punishment.'

'Some punishment mate…'Fred said before he was interrupted by 'POTTER WHERE LEAVING NOW"

Pansy was bored and running out of patience. 'Potter I've been here less then 5 minutes and I'm smelling of welfare already can we go now?' Pansy said disgusted.

'Parkinson' Harry said feeling embarrassed that Pansy just said that in front of the twins.

'Damn what is it with you Griffindors Potter? You all tell white lies'

'So who do you think you are princess? we don't see you running any businesses' stated George smugly.

'My name is Parkinson, Pansy Parkinson and if you ever suggest again that you are better then me WEASLEY I will cut u so deep…' Pansy ranted before Harry dragged her outside.

'Parkinson don't threaten the Weasleys' Harry said thinking Pansy cared.

'Well it got me out of that hot mess of a store, okay now to the pub' Pansy grabbed Harry's wrist and dragged him.

When Harry and Pansy got to the Three Broomsticks they looked around for a table. It was pretty packed and Pansy could see no spare seats, however Harry spotted Hermione sitting at a table. Harry and Pansy made there way over.

Hermione was at her table for about an hour now, reading a book about Samba, when she saw in the corner of her eye Harry and Pansy make there way over.

'Hey Harry, you wont believe what happened they ran out of curlers' Hermione told Harry like a major tragedy had unfolded.

'Hermione you don't need curlers your hair is curly enough' Harry added.

'Granger why are you orange?' Pansy inquired sitting unnoticed across from Hermione.

'I'm not orange! Am I?' Hermione began to panic. Harry averted his eyes and that's all Hermione needed as confirmation.

'Oh no', Hermione got up and ran to the toilets. A few minutes later a frustrated scream was heard from that direction.

'So what you kid's ordering?' said the maid.

'I'm not thirsty…' Harry began when Pansy cut him off 'He'll be having a butter beer and I'll be having a smoothie forest, with a snake shaped straw and hold the mint'

The maid came back shortly after with the order.

'Potter what is wrong with you? Do you like being the odd one out in every room?' Pansy inquired.

'It's not that" Harry said sadly misunderstanding Pansy's rhetorical question. 'It's just me and Cho used to drink butter beers here...' Harry began before choking up.

'Potter your such a little bitch' Pansy began angrily 'she dumped you get over it'

'I dumped her actually' Harry corrected.

'Well that's even worse then' replied Pansy 'Listen Potter if you so desperate for a shag I can always ask Millicent to give it to you, I know she might not be much but I'm sure…'

'Oh Merlin NO' Harry replied 'I'll rather remain a virgin'

Pansy stopped drinking her drink and froze. She slowly removed her lips from around the straw and put her drink down.

"Are you telling me Harry Potter, Quiditch captain, Hero extraordinaire and tri-wizard champion is a virgin?'

'Yeah well…' Harry began stumbling embarrassed 'well aren't you?'

'What do you think Potter' Pansy asked as she struck a pose.

Parkinson rolled her eyes 'YES I'm a virgin Potter but that's expected of a witch of my class and upbringing. You're Harry Potter.'

'I don't want to be Harry Potter' Harry confessed sadly.

'Well then you're the only guy who doesn't, every guy in the school is jealous of you' Pansy said like it was a known fact.

Just that moment Hermione made her way back to the table. 'Okay I have scrubbed for nearly half an hour is the orange gone?' said Hermione tired and frustrated.

'Yeah most of it' Harry said. 'You look fine Granger' Pansy replied.

Both Hermione and Harry stared shocked.

'What I can be nice' Pansy replied offended.

Hermione sank in her seat. 'I can never be her'

'Who?' Pansy asked as Harry drank his butter beer.

'Krum's new girlfriend from the tropics with her nice tan and hair....' Hermione said in a defeated gaze.

'Granger who cares about Krum, he was always a player, shit he didn't even have very high standards he even hooked up with that griffin-ho Lavender when he visited last year' Pansy said as if this information was common knowledge, which to Hermione and Harry it wasn't.

"WHAT" Hermione screamed, 'WHEN and HOW???"

Everyone by this time was looking. Hermione decided to lower her voice but she was still fuming.

"He was dating me at the time." Hermione explained.

"Yeahhhhh and that's why I called him a player Granger' Pansy replied.

'Harry I'll see u back at the castle, I have to go buy some Vaseline and a razor there's going to be a dead bitch in Griffindors tower tonight' Hermione said angrily as she packed her book and left.

"Poor Hermione' Harry said to none in particular.

'Yeah but at least she doesn't play the victim like you?' Pansy said slightly angry at Harry's moppy behavior.

'I'm not a victim' Harry said.

Pansy leaned over with an evil look in her eye.

'Then prove it, get revenge on Cho and Blaise' Pansy proposed.

'Umm, Umm' Harry audibly swallowed

To be continued…


	5. Revenge vs self potty part 2

**DISLAIMER**: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OR ANYTHING ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE, IT ALL BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING AND HER PUBLISHERS, THIS IS JUST FANFICTION.

**AUTHOS NOTE**: Okay I decided to do another chapter. Please review none reviewed for the last chapter so please take a few minutes to review this one. Thanx a lot.

**RECAP: **

'I'm not a victim' Harry said.

Pansy leaned over with an evil look in her eye.

'Then prove it, get revenge on Cho and Blaise' Pansy proposed.

'Umm, Umm' Harry audibly swallowed

*

'I can't do that Parkinson, I'm not a slytherin' Harry said.

'That's why I'm going to help you' Pansy said and did a devious smile.

'But why??" Harry asked stumped.

'Well Potter, there are a few reasons. First reason being I hate vegetarians, I hate Blaise Zabani and I hate happy ever after'

'Your damaged you know that Parkinson?' Harry said

'No more damaged then you Potter I guess with your hero complex'

'I don't have a hero complex; I'm just a nice guy'

'Well maybe that's why your still a virgin'

'Uhhh, your impossible Parkinson'

Pansy began to stand up out of her seat.

'Well are we going then Potter, aren't you excited about your revenge?'

'Look Pansy I'm not the type…' Harry began when he spotted Cho Change and Zabani sitting outside on a park bench kissing. Harry's insides felt weird it was a weird feeling he very rarely experienced, he felt sick, yet angry and yet dreadful all at the same time. Harry then stood up and turned to Parkinson.

'When do we start?' Harry enquired.

'Right after dinner, we'll meet in the room of requirements' Pansy said

'Okay then, let's get back to Hogwarts" Harry suggested as Pansy and him began walking towards the exit. That's were Pansy was stopped by Theodore Nott.

'Well, well, well How are you Parkinson with your fine self?' Nott said as he looked Pansy up and down.

'Nott I know your not looking at me like that, you know I'd woop your ass all the way to Azkaban' Pansy began trying to side step Nott.

'Pansy why are you with Potter all the time? You two an item or something?' Nott asked as he touched Pansy's arm.

'No he's just my baby daddy' Pansy said knowing full well what she was doing.

'WHAT??' exclaimed a shocked Nott and Harry.

Pansy then turned to Harry who seconds before had been waiting patiently for Pansy to end her conversation with Nott. Pansy leaned close to Harry and gave him a wink, which Harry new meant to go along with whatever crazy plan she had in mind.

"Oh Harry I was planning on telling you later but Nott here got me emotional and I'm really hormonal right now…'

By this time half of the three broomsticks were watching the interaction, many of them Hogswarts.

'Harry felt the pressure of the student glares, when he said 'It's okay Pansy, we can raise this child together as a family"

Before he wrapped his arms around her and he could tell she was trying with all her might to not burst out laughing as her head was pressed up against Harry's chest. The people who heard began to clap at the young man accepting his responsibilities.

Nott however was not in the same mood however.

'Parkinson you were once a respectable witch look at you now your damaged goods having this half bloods trash inside you' Nott yelled angrily. That's when Harry took out his wand and pointed it in the slytherin's face.

'Ever talk about Pansy like that again and you'll be the last Nott living in England'. Harry then motioned for Pansy to go with him as they left hand in hand, towards the carriages. When they finally found there carriage and closed it they burst out in a fit of laughter. Only to realize minutes later that by the time they got back to Hogwarts the whole school would know.


	6. Weave smells when it burns

**DISLAIMER**: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OR ANYTHING ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE, IT ALL BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING AND HER PUBLISHERS, THIS IS JUST FANFICTION.

**AUTHOS NOTE: **Thank you very much too the two people who reviewed my last chapter. This next chapter is dedicated to you two and all those who commented before. Anyway please review.

RECAP: 'Ever talk about Pansy like that again and you'll be the last Nott living in England'. Harry then motioned for Pansy to go with him as they left hand in hand, towards the carriages. When they finally found there carriage and closed it they burst out in a fit of laughter. Only to realize minutes later that by the time they got back to Hogwarts the whole school would know.

*A*

When Harry and Pansy arrived back at Hogwarts they both made there way to the library to do a report on Snape's essay. Pansy was walking the shelves looking for all things to do with Flebing weed, while Harry found them a desk in the private corners to do there study. Harry began taking out his quill when pansy dropped a stack of potions books on the table making Harry jump. Harry gave Pansy an angry look, Pansy only did a coy smile in return. It was several minutes of silence before Harry asked Pansy a question.

'Pansy?'

'Yes, baby daddy' Pansy said laughing.

Harry gave an annoyed look at the smiling slytherin before he continued on with his question.

'Pansy, what are we going to do when the rumors spread through the school?' Harry said genuinely worried.

'Shit, we just deny it, none is going to believe Nott and the rest of those drunks at the tree broomsticks anyway' Pansy said flicking her hair.

'Yeah I know the people with half a brain wont. But what about all the idiots?'

'Potter, why you worried about the idiots now? Puhlease they will probably forget before the end of the weekend'

"I guess so" Harry said as he continued writing his essay.

Two hours passed and Pansy was flicking franticly through a book when in the corner of her eye she saw three figures. It was the fat pack as Pansy liked to call them made up of Blaise Zabani's step sister Kayla and her two friends Daisy and Lilly. Kayla looked like a female version of Blaise Zabani except with about 20 pound of Lard around her thighs. Daisy and Lilly looked like twins, both ugly and looking like miniature versions of Goyle. They were the third year Slytherin bitches and they annoyed Pansy to the limits of her sanity.

'Parkinson, funny seeing you in the Library, wasn't aware you could read.' Kayla said an Laughed with her two friends decided to laugh after her.

'Kayla, mind your own ugly business and annoy your std ridden brother and leave me the merlin alone' Pansy said trying to get rid of the pest.

'My brother is waiting till he gets married…' Kayla started before Pansy and Harry began to laugh in hysterics.

"Oh Kayla, your so naive, your brother gets freaky with everyone' Pansy said laughing.

Kayla by now was getting angry at the humiliation she was receiving.

"Whatever Parkinson, I just came here to see that the rumors were true and if you were really carrying Potter's child' Kayla said then focusing her eyes on Harry who sat and observed the feud, Kayla then pulled a sour face. ' Guess its true then' Kayla said and did a cruel smile.

Pansy had enough; she stood up and got with in inches of Kayla face.

'Listen here Kay-lard!! I have an assignment due on Monday and if you don't leave me alone I'm going to throw you into that fireplace over there' Pansy said threateningly, both girls stared at the fire place, Kayla audibly swallowed.

Pansy got even closer, they were now eye to eye and Pansy said "Believe me that weave of yours will smell bad when it burns'

That's all Kayla needed to hear, she and her friends made a beeline towards the library exits, Pansy returned to her seats, to find an inquisitive looking Harry.

'Pansy why are you so aggressive?'

'It's get my message across, unlike you who has to try and be best friends with everyone'

'That's not true I'm not friends with Malfoy or Blaise'

'True, let's finish soon so we can go get ready for dinner.' Pansy said exhausted.

Thirty minutes later Harry and Pansy were walking side by side to the great hall. When they opened the Great hall, it was only filled up to half capacity with the teachers still absent. Harry and Pansy then were noticed by the rest of the student body. Everyone stopped talking and looked at the two, Harry and Pansy walked towards the Gryffindor table when Harry was swamped with questions from Ginny, Neville and Seamus. While Pansy sat opposite Harry and began to pile up her food.

'Please tell me it's not true Harry, you can't be having children with that, that bitch' Ginny squealed genuinely worried for Harry.

'I'm not Ginny, it's all a rumor' Harry replied.

'Praise Merlin' Ginny uttered.

"How did the rumors start?' enquired Neville as he feed Trevor some chicken.

'Nott started them, Pansy and I were at the three broomsticks having a drink when Nott saw us together' Harry said, and then he turned his attention looking for the ketchup. To only find it next to Ron.

'Ron can you please pass the ketchup' Harry asked. Ron gave him an evil glare and then threw the bottle at Harry narrowly missing his head.

'Ron stood up and removed his napkin and threw it on the table, gave Harry a scowl. "TRAITOR" Ron yelled.

Pansy jumped. "What is wrong with you Weasley are the fleas from the shack you live in burrowing in your brain, stop shouting."

Ron unexpectedly walked towards Pansy and cupped her cheek with his hand.

"You're too good for him Pansy' Ron said then turned towards a shocked Harry and scowled, before exciting the great hall.

Pansy looked at Harry. "Potter, your friends have issues"

"I know" Harry replied finally understanding Ron's outburst.

Harry continued eating and a few minutes later a cheerful Hermione walked through the doors. "Hello everyone how are we today?" said Hermione.

'Fine cupcake, what's got you so cheery?' Ginny asked.

"Nothing really life's good" Hermione leaned close to Harry. "I hope you don't mind I burrowed your invisible cloak"

'That's okay Hermione, what's mine is yours" Harry uttered.

Only a few second's latter a distraught Lavendar burst through the doors of the great hall. Her Hair was shaven in patches and she had scratches all over her.

She was quickly comforted by Pivarti. "Lav what happened?' Pivarti asked.

Lavender sobbed on Pavarti's shoulder and wailed "Some invisible monster attacked me'

A shocked Harry turned towards Hermione and she smiled.


	7. A slap, a break and a Snape

**DISLAIMER**: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OR ANYTHING ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE, IT ALL BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING AND HER PUBLISHERS, THIS IS JUST FANFICTION.

**AUTHOS NOTE: **Thanks guys for reviewing; now I can continue the story.

**RECAP**: She was quickly comforted by Pivarti. "Lav what happened?' Pivarti asked.

Lavender sobbed on Pavarti's shoulder and wailed "Some invisible monster attacked me'

A shocked Harry turned towards Hermione and she smiled.

*A*

As dinner and the drama of the day was subsiding, Harry and Pansy met up in the astronomy tower. They had been in the tower for two hours and had finally devised a plan to get Cho Chang and Blaise Zabani back. The plan was intricate and had many steps to it, which had Harry kind of concerned.

'Look Pansy, for a revenge plan it seems really complicated, can't we just turn their hair orange or something?'

'Harry, Harry, Harry' Pansy muttered as she shook her head 'that's not going to inflict suffering in there lives, that'll be just a bad day. What you want to do is make sure they suffer for at least a few months."

'No Pansy that's what you want I was fine with just leaving them alone and moving on' harry said. Ever since the plan was laid out, Harry had his doubts. They had to pull of some amazing feats such as steeling polyjuice potion from Snape, break into Cho chang's dorm and juggle Quiditch and prefect duties.

Pansy just shook her head before looking at the watch on her wrist. 'Shit' Pansy exclaimed 'I'm going to be late for my rounds, let's go'

As Harry and Pansy cleared the astronomy tower and began walking the dark desolate halls of Hogwarts, talk turned to Ron Weasley.

'You know my friend Ron?' Harry asked.

'No can't say I met him' Pansy replied casually as she looked in each classroom.

'You met him, he's the tall red head that hangs with Hermione and me'

'Oh you mean Weasley? Yeah I know him'

'He likes you' Harry said looking at Pansy's face for a reaction.

'I know' Pansy replied smugly 'Everyone likes me'

Harry rolled his eyes 'He has a crush on you, that's why he was mad earlier today he thought we were going out'

'Oh I thought he was sick of you ordering him around'

Harry was getting frustrated.

'Anyway do you like him?' Harry asked cautiously leaning from one foot to another.

'No I can't say I like guys who play second best'

'Ron does not play second best, he's nice, brave and a great quiditch player and a proud Griffindor' Harry said trying to defend his friend.

'Then why does everyone think he is the poor man's version of you' Pansy replied, still focusing on checking classrooms.

'None… none says that' said Harry kind of shocked by Pansy's question.

Pansy stopped checking the classrooms and turned towards Harry.

'Potter are you seriously tell me you don't hear the talk around the halls when Granger you and Weasley walk through?' said Pansy.

'No Hermione is usually lecturing us…' Harry began.

'Well then you seriously need to start paying attention because last week alone, a handful of students thought Weasley was weird, stood out and was a Harry Potter wannabe. Didn't you always wonder why his shoulders slumped when walking the halls?'

'That's bullshit Parkinson' Harry said angrily 'I'm sick of this, I'm going to bed'

'WELL FINE THEN' Pansy yelled and a few seconds passed before Pansy said 'I WILL SEE YOU AT BREAKFAST TOMORROW'

Harry waved a dismissive hand as he turned the corner.

Bastard Pansy thought always leaving her to do the hard work.

*B*

The next morning Pansy had woken up earlier then usual, magically ironed her shirt, had her shower and got dressed and left for the great hall. As she was walking the hall way a Hufflepuff in second year approached her and placed a hand on her stomach.

"Hey guys I think it might be kicking' the third year said.

Pansy grabbed him by the arm and put him in a head lock before kneeing him in his lower back, then she began to 'bitch slap' him.

'You ever [slap] touch me again [slap] you will be sorry [slap]' Pansy yelled

Pansy let go of the stupid third year as he ran of to get his older brother. Pansy was sick of Hogwarts and all the idiots in it. As Pansy made her seat next to Harry (who was siting on the griffindor table as arranged) the hufflepuff third years older brother and the annoying brat of a Hufflepuff approached her.

'Is this her' His older brother asked pointing to Pansy. The boy who had touched Pansy's stomach earlier had nodded. Pansy was shocked by the size of the brat's older brother he was buff and huge.

'Why did you slap my brother?' asked the seventh year hufflepuff known as Greg.

'Because he touched me in a inappropriate manner' Pansy replied, grabbing a piece of bread. The rest of the griffindor table was watching at the conflict, Ginny sipping her Pumpkin juice, Ron getting his wand ready, incase he needed to defend Pansy. Hermione was reading a book on hair braiding and Harry was shocked sitting next to Pansy worrying about her well being.

Greg grabbed Pansy's hand and moved his face closer to hers 'He says he didn't?' Greg said through clenched teeth.

'Leave her alone' Harry said as he got up.

This distracted Greg, for a second which gave Pansy enough time to get her wand out. 'Tosdori' Pansy screamed and a white light flew out of her wand and hit Greg in the arm. Greg's arm broke in three places. Greg howled in pain.

'Miss Parkinson' Snape yelled 'My office now, both you and Potter and Granger take the oaf to the hospital wing' Snape said referring to Greg.

As Pansy and Harry followed Snape to his office, Hermione helped Greg out of the hall towards madam Pomfrey.

Harry said looking at Pa


	8. An opportunity

**DISLAIMER**: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OR ANYTHING ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE, IT ALL BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING AND HER PUBLISHERS, THIS IS JUST FANFICTION.

'Potter I expected this from you' said an angry and annoyed Snape.

'What? I never did anything, Pansy broke his arm' said Harry defensively.

'Well I'm sticking to my story, he fell and broke his arm, none saw me fire a curse, none! And even if they did they lying mingers' Said Pansy as she crossed her arms.

'So how come half the great hall says you did through a curse at him? And how does a person break their arm in the great hall in 3 places hmmm?' said Snape as he stared in Pansy's bored face.

'Well those people are ming….' Began Pansy.

'Enough of this mess, you two have detention from now till curfew' said Snape.

'But I never did anything, Pansy practically confessed' said Harry annoyed.

'Well I guess that makes you her accomplice' said Snape sadistically ' Now the brushes are over there and so is the bleach, you two have fun while I mark papers'

Pansy and Harry made their way towards, the brushes and bleach. They then began to clean the back of the classroom as Snape marked papers at the front. They waited a few minutes till

Snape was preoccupied with his work before they began to whisper.

'I hate you, I'm hungry and I hate you' said Harry whispering.

'You really should be thanking me Potter one extra pound and your broomstick will snap' Said Pansy quick wittedly.

'Oh I apologies I actually have muscle unlike your manorexic boyfriend Draco' Said Harry with a smile.

'You bastard you did not just go there..' began Pansy when she saw Snape leave his seat to go to what she assumed to be the lavatory.

'Hey keep an eye out for Snape' said Pansy

'Why?'

'I'm going to steal some polyjuice potion and replace it with this fake I transfigured earlier' said Pansy smiling as she took out an identical vial.

Without another word from Harry, Pansy leaped up and ran towards Snape's store, retrieved a polyjuice vial and replaced it with her conjured fake. She quickly ran back to Harry's side just in time, as Snape had just returned.

3 hours later

Pansy and Harry had finished their tortures task with Snape and began walking back to their dorms.

'Parkinson did you plan that stunt earlier?' asked a tired Harry.

'Well not all of it, the opportunity arose and I took advantage of it' said Pansy.

'Wow you really are a Slytherin, I was kind of hoping you were put in the wrong house' Said Harry.

'Why Mr gotta-go Potty, you growing attached to me?' Said Pansy teasingly.

'No you're just not as bad as I thought you were' said Harry.

'Well I believe in the near future Zabani and Chang will disagree' Said Pansy laughing.

Harry began to laugh too, till they had to go their separate ways.

'Well Potter, I'll see you tomorrow morning , remember Slytherin time' Said Pansy

'Oh great more Malfoy' said Harry rolling his eyes.

'Oh don't pretend you don't like it' said Pansy teasingly.

To be continued….


	9. Miggiliph

**DISLAIMER**: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OR ANYTHING ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE, IT ALL BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING AND HER PUBLISHERS, THIS IS JUST FANFICTION.

**Author note:** Okay I know I haven't updated in ages, but people have not reviewed in ages. The more reviews I get the more I'm inclined to write. I know a lot of people disagree with my characterization of the characters especially Pansy. However, people tend to forget that Pansy's whole character in the books is pretty much a mean, pug faced girl I'm just expanding that characterization and adding more dimension.

-.-.-.

It was early the next morning when Harry met up with Pansy outside the great hall.

'Okay Potter remember last night I said were sitting at Slytherin, now remember they think were some sort of couple so try and pretend' Said Pansy as she walked side by side with Harry towards the great hall doors as she picked flint of her shirt.

'Pansy are sure this is necessary?' said Harry walking beside her.

Pansy rolled her eyes 'Okay Harry listen here, if we pretend to be a couple when we commit our scheme we would have an alibi of sorts'.

'How?'

'Well when I get Cho Chang's hair and complete the rest of the potion I will then transform into her and make out with some random Ravenclaw guy. I'll make sure it's recorded so the whole school can see. Meanwhile you stay with Granger and the redhead so incase people suspect you might of used the polyjuice potion you have an alibi. Our relationship if we can make it look genuine enough can trick people into thinking that were to loyal to each other to be involved in such debauchery'

'why would people think I used the Polyjuice potion to make out with Ravenclaw guys?'

'Well people think your bisexual since you hangout with Weasley so much' finished Pansy.

'WHAT!!! I'm not'

'Cool it Potter I know your not, but that's Hogwarts for ya'

Harry and Pansy entered the great hall and Harry waved to Hermione and Ron as him and Pansy made their way towards the slytherin table.

'Malfoy do you bleach your hair every week or just do a root touch up?' said Pansy as she sat down and gave Malfoy an infuriating grin.

'Don't know Parkinson, do you sleep with Potter just for fun or because you can't get anyone else?' replied Draco thinking he had outdone Pansy or in the least humiliated her.

'I do it for fun' said Pansy giving Draco a suggestive smile.

'Ohh gross Parkinson, you almost made me vomit' said Draco turning away from Pansy in disgust and talking to Goyle.

The doors of the Hall opened again letting in Blaise and Cho, Pansy indicated to Harry to have a look. Harry noticed that Cho was looking annoyed whilst Blaise looked tired. Blaise was holding Cho's hand but it looked more forced, Cho looked like she had enough and got her hand out of Blaise's vice like grip. Blaise and Cho sat opposite Pansy and Harry next to Draco.

'So Cho how do you keep your hair so silky?' said Pansy, getting a look from both Harry and Draco.

'I don't know Parkinslut, I mean Parkinson I don't eat meat maybe that stops my hair from looking dull and lifeless' said Cho.

'And they say your hair matches your personality' said Pansy acting like she had just found out a new life lesson.

Cho then gave Pansy a very evil glare which Pansy returned with an innocent smile. It was 5 minutes later and there was absolute silence. Pansy was getting bored so she decided to stir things up a bit.

'So Cho any single Ravenclaw guys?' asked Pansy.

'I don't know if you should be looking for guys being pregnant and all should you Pansy?' said Cho snidely. Oh that bitch thought Pansy.

'Oh Cho that's just a silly rumour going around, so know any Ravenclaw guys?'

'Aren't you with Harry?' said Cho.

'I am and where happy together, but I was actually looking to hook Ginny Weasley up, you know that little annoying redhead?'

'Yeah, well I thought you didn't like her'

'I do now Cho' said Pansy as she leaned over and whispered to Cho ' You know she eats avocado everyday and doesn't gain a pound she a bad bitch' Pansy then sat back down.

'So you know any single Ravenclaw guys? How about Miggiliph?'

Cho put on a sad face and quickly rectified it. 'No I think he wouldn't suit her'

'Oh Cho, I mean you dated him for like a few months a few years back, he can't be all that bad?' asked Pansy genuinely. At this comment Blaise paid attention and whispered in Cho's ear.

'You never said anything' with which Cho replied 'its history'

'So you think you can introduce Ginny?' asked Pansy

'Yeah she will' said Blaise without consulting Cho.

'Perfect' said Pansy excitedly. 'Ginny, Miggiliph, Harry and I can go double dates together'

Pansy then dragged Harry up. 'Okay guys we have to go get ready for magical creatures, ciao and Draco' said Pansy as Draco looked up from his food. 'I figured out you must bleach your hair every week, because that's the only reason to explain all your split ends'

Pansy then walked out of the great hall with Harry with a very insecure Draco digging through his book bag for a mirror.

'So what was that all about setting Ginny up on a date?' asked Harry.

Pansy smiled 'Well you see we just laid the ground works for our scheme, now when the whole school see Cho kissing Miggiliph there will be a good reason as to why she did it and Blaise wont take none of her excuses'

To be continued.


	10. Phase 1

DISLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OR ANYTHING ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE, IT ALL BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING AND HER PUBLISHERS, THIS IS JUST FANFICTION.

Author notes : Ok, I'm taking some time to put up a few updates. This chapter is going to see the beginnings of the plan in motion as well as a good plot device for future dramas. Well thank you everyone who has been reading and commenting, please be sure to keep on reviewing since I love reading your comments (negative or positive).

Heals could be heard clicking behind a very nervous Hermione. She had spent a good portion of her evening, perfecting a bronzer potion when she decided it was too late to stay in the library and made a dash through the corridors towards the Gryffindor common room. However after several minutes she heard the clicking of feminine heals behind her in the darkened corridor.

As Hermione began to run the clicks also sped up in rhythm.

Hermione quickly turned into a hidden alcove and drew out her wand preparing to find out which bitch was chasing her.

As Hermione heard the person come close to her she lit up her wand... and was relieved to find out it was not Bellatrix Lestrange.

'Oh it's you, what do you want?'

'Granger I need to ask you for a favor..'

'Parkinson, I'm not doing you any favors...'Said Hermione bored.

'Not even for some magical cocoa butter to go for the highly illegal bronzer your creating' said Pansy smiling in the limited light, waving a jar of packaged and very rare magical cocoa butter.

Hermione had to think about it. Did she want that beautiful island tanned skin that would get her back her European quiditch star player or not join the evil and scheming Pansy Parkinson.

The first option won the battle of logic inside Hermione's brain.

'Okay, what do you want me to do?'

'Oh that's simple, i just want you to hook Ginny Weasley up on a date' said Pansy.

'She doesn't need my help, she's the Hogwarts bicycle' Said Hermione.

'Damn Granger, that's mean even by slytherin standards, but I do admire your honesty. However i want you to hook her up with Miggiliph'

'Why him?' said Hermione suspiciously and giving Pansy a curious expression.

'Well you see, ever since me and Harry began going out I have developed deep feelings for him..' began Pansy, as she notice Hermione relax.

'So anyway, i hate what Cho has done to him , so I thought if i could get Cho's exboyfriend who she still has feelings for to date Ginny Weasley and maybe then i could get Harry some vengeance'

'Oh..Vengeance?' began Hermione contemplating.

'You know Harry, he is just to good for mere revenge. But he is human and I know making Cho unhappy would make him happy and give him some sort of belief in karma'

'hmmm, okay Parkinson I'll do it. I think i can somehow manage to convince Ginny to be open to the possibility but I don't know how I'm going to get Miggiliph to ask?'

'Don't worry about that' said Pansy ' I have another friend who I can call on to help me for that'

'Ok good, well I'll see you around'

'I'll owl you the gel as soon as the first date is over' called Pansy behind Hermione who was deep in thought.

'Ok good' replied Hermione.

As Pansy turned around and walked back to the Slytherin dungeons she took out her notepad and crossed out phase 1.

* * *

Pansy had only 5 hours sleep when she had to get ready to meet her Ravenclaw acquaintance. A person who's aquaintance with she kept hidden for fear of ridicule.

Pansy had to get into her fitness wear to meet up with her 'contact' as she liked to refer to her as. She wanted to make sure if anyone was awake to see that the meeting that it looked like two anonymous people just so happened to be jogging close to each other.

Within 15 minutes Pansy ran out in her joggers to the quiditch pitch, where she knew Luna Lovegood did her morning jog.

It took her only 2 minutes to locate Luna running, flapping her hands all over the place whilst doing so. Shaking her head Pansy jogged up to her.

'Hey girl hey'

'Pansy ? i thought we weren't supposed to talk to each other except by owl' Luna said sadly.

'Well things have changed' said Pansy.

'Look girlfriend I need your help' said Pansy. She liked Luna, she was interesting to talk to but being caught being friends with her was social suicide. So often Luna and Pansy would owl to each other; however this being the rare exception in which Pansy had to talk to Luna face to face.

'Yeah Pans I'm listening' said Luna flaying her hands around almost whacking Pansy in the face.

'Ok you know Miggiliph right?' Pansy asked causing Luna to stop in her tracks.

'No, whatever you have planned No' Luna continued on her jog with Pansy following.

'I thought we were friends Luna, I mean after all the stuff I've done for you' said Pansy acting insulted.

'Oh you mean spreading rumors I was a hermaphrodite and flirting with Ron..'

'Oh hold up, I admit to the hermaphrodite rumor but no way would I ever flirt with Weasley, that's just nasty, that's so low.'

Luna gave Pansy a fixed gaze.

'I mean for a Slytherin, whilst perfect acceptable for a Ravenclaw like yourself'

Luna smiled.

'So what do you have in store for Miggiliph? Since I know either way you're going to do this scheme with or without me I can at least try and stop the collateral damage' said Luna in her normal dream like haze.

'Well I just thought he'd be a good match for Ginny Weasley'

'Huphhh' expired Luna.

'Eric Mcgilliph is a good guy Pans, and Ginny Weasley is a bit of a tart'

Pansy coyly replied 'Well you know it can be just like those muggle fairytales you know? What was it called again 'The Prude and the tart'.

Luna giggled 'Beauty and the beast you mean pans?'

'Oh same thing… can we stop I'm tired' said Pansy. Luna stoped and started jogging on the spot.

'Give up the muggle cigarettes. I heard hogwizzles make them and rolled them up after they poop in them' said Luna, quoting her fathers magazine.

'Yuck Luna none our age uses the word poop' Replied Pansy grossed out.

'I can't believe that's what grosses you out! My choice of words and not the pooping'

'Yucckkk Luna' said Pansy as she covered her ears.

'So will u do it?' asked Pansy.

'Ok I will convince him. He is quite superstitious so I'll pretend to be a seer.'

'Don't think he's that stupid Luna' Pansy giggled.

'You'd be surprised what cold reading can do to a person's sense of logic' Luna smiled.

Pansy and Luna then ended their meeting as Luna continued jogging and Pansy returned to the castle in stitches. Little did she know the whole exchange had been watched.


	11. The redhaired Roadblock

DISLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OR ANYTHING ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE, IT ALL BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING AND HER PUBLISHERS, THIS IS JUST FANFICTION.

Authors note: long time no update, sorry guys here is a quick update, the shorter the updates the more I can do.. Do review please.

Pansy left Luna to continue her jogging as she made her way back to the great hall so she can get started on breakfast. Grabbing her side, Pansy tried to massage out the stitch that had formed from the physical workout she just had. She really needed to work out more she thought to herself.

Pansy continued walking until a figure stood in her way.

Pansy focused on the figures shoes. Okay she's female Pansy gathered, with last years design, so she's also tacky., green must be a slytherin and she has kanckles. Well it must Daphne.

BING! BING! BING! 200 points to Pansy.

'What do you want Daphne? Lost Scooby doo and Wilma?' said Pansy.

Daphne scrunched up her face? 'What are you talking about Parkinson?'

'A muggle cartoon, anyway state your business or do I need to call a crane in to move you out of the way?'

'Hahaha funny Parkinson, bet you won't find it so funny when I tell everyone you've been hanging out with Luna love good?'

Pansy looked up, shit she saw Pansy thought, okay, okay what to do, what to do.

'There's no way out of this Parkinson? I just came here to gloat, soon the whole school will know you're a class traitor'

Pansy exhaled a large breathe, 'what do you want Greengrass? I know you want something'

Daphne looked as if she was thinking, quite a rehearsed look Pansy thought, after all it's not like Daphne thought a lot.

'I don't know Pansy I don't think you can get me what I want'

'Ohh give it a break you cow and just spit it out' said Pansy getting annoyed, her plan might have just hit a major road block and not having had breakfast wasn't making it any better.

Daphne scowled. 'Okay Pansy Okay, I was hoping you can set me up with Ronal Weasley'

Pansy's eyes went blank as if someone had slapped her.' Ronald Weasley? The red haired one right?'

'There's no other one Parkinson'

'But why' Pansy asked completely confused.

'Because I like him' replied Daphne.

'So, you don't go dating anyone you like'

Daphne put her hands on her hips. 'And why not?'

Darn it Pansy thought, how was she supposed to get Daphne with Weasley without ruining things with Luna.

'Okay give me a week' said Pansy.

Daphne smiled 'Nice doing business with you Pansy'

Pansy scoffed. Oh shit Pansy thought, I'm going to bring my A-game in order to Juggle all this.


	12. Pimping Ron

DISLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN OR CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANY OF THE CHARACTERS OR ANYTHING ELSE ASSOCIATED WITH THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE, IT ALL BELONGS TO J.K. ROWLING AND HER PUBLISHERS, THIS IS JUST FANFICTION.

Authors note: Update time! It's short but I'll do more updates. Please review. I know people read these stories. Lol

It had been a few days since Pansy last spoke to Daphne and she was feeling immense pressure. Not only was Harry asking about the progress of the plan, but both Luna and Daphne had been bombarding her with owls.

Luna had managed to get Miggiliph interested in Ginny and according to Luna he was going to ask her out during lunch. Daphne sent a 'last notice' informing Pansy she either gets her a date with Weasley or she ends up Luna's public bff. Pansy had thought of a plan the night before and was hoping it would work. She adjusted her white blouse and green skirt as she opened the great hall doors and approached Ron Weasley. It was very early and with only 10 people in the great hall in total Pansy thought it'd be the perfect opportunity to twist Ron around her little finger.

As Pansy scanned the hall she saw Ron drinking pumpkin juice and eating waffles at the same time. She dry heaved as she made her way over to him.

'Hey, how's my favorite redhead?'

'Oh hey Pansy, sorry for being rude a few days back Harry and I cleared everything up' said Ron, spitting out half chewed up waffle.

'That's nice, so Weasl…. I mean Ron any girls you interested in?'

'Well there is one'

'Oh really' asked Pansy excitedly. Please let it be Luna or Daphne Pansy thought.

'you'

'Huh' asked Pansy shocked.

'Miss Pansy Parkinson you are the feistiest, prettiest most talented witch in the whole school'

'Oh crap' Pansy mumbled under her breath. 'Look Ron, I feel the same way'

'You do?' said Ron dumbfounded. His mouth open, half chewed contents dropping from his palate to his tongue. Pansy focused her eyes just above his hairline and if she wasn't going to vomit that's just where her eyes would stay.

Pansy leaned in, still avoiding any eye contact with Ron's mouth.

'There's just one thing' Pansy said, her eyes downcast looking at the table.

'What? What is it?' asked Ron.

'I need a man of experiences'

'Well you know I've been on heaps of adventures with Harry and Hermione'

'Not those sorts of adventures Ron' Pansy stated with a coy smile finally making eye content.

'Oh' Ron exclaimed. 'Is it necessary?'

'Unfortunately it is' Pansy said sadly. 'However, there is a way…'

'How?' asked Ron.

'Well I heard you have two girls interested in you'

'Oh really?' replied Ron, more shocked then he was by Pansy's earlier confession.

'Yeah and I heard they are just waiting for you to go on a date with them'

'Pansy, I'm only interested in you, you know …'

Pansy cut Ron off. 'Maybe you should see them both, I'm not jealous and once you sow your wild oats nothing can stand in our way when we get together'

'If you say so' said Ron fawning sadness. Pansy internally rolled her eyes. Men.

'Yeah Daphne from Slytherin and Luna from Ravenclaw'

'So which one should I date?' asked Ron.

'Both'

'BOTH?'

'Both, I mean I've heard stories about Weasley men's virility'

'But how, I mean won't they get jealous or angry I'm dating both of them?'

Pansy smiled. 'Not if you don't tell them silly' Pansy laughed. Then rubbed his hair for a second.

She stood up and then went behind Ron and engulfed him in a hug.

'Will you do it for me' Pansy pleaded.

Ron rested his palm on Pansy's hands and looked up.

'For us.' As he leaned in Pansy stopped the hug and pretend to yawn and cover her mouth.

'Oh I'm so tired, so it's all set you'll date both Luna and Daphne?'

'Yes Pans'

'Okay, I have a class; do you know where Potter is?'

'Owlery'

'Perfect, see you later and tell me how you went' Pansy said with a wink.

Hurdle overcome.


End file.
